I have no idea what to post on here.
I had so many thoughts going into this of what this space might look like, and it’s not really any of those. I have no idea if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing, or just a thing. I’m genuinely just trying to find my footing.
I’m not a center-of-attention type of person. I don’t do well with a spotlight shining on me, and I’d much rather be back with the group. So having this whole platform where it’s just me really makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I truly enjoy writing, and I want to share my heart. I’m just experiencing some growing pains.
Fact is, I’m a very private person. You take a look at my personal Instagram – I think I have a whole 15-ish posts, and even those I could delete and never look back.
Does part of it stem from insecurity? Absolutely. I know I’m not a popular person. I don’t have oodles of “friends” blowing up my phone all day long. Quite frankly, there are probably only about ten people that I would even consider to be my close friends. Even though I prefer it that way, I definitely have moments where I wonder if there’s something about me that tends to turn people away.
Am I not friendly enough?
Am I not social enough?
Am I not relevant enough?
Most of the time, I couldn’t care less, but I am human. And the thoughts have for sure crossed my mind.
Mostly though, I just have to check in with myself that I’m being authentic. If I have a million followers, but I’m not being myself, what does it really count for? Am I sharing because I want to be popular, or am I sharing because I truly have a desire to?
I don’t have answers to all of these questions, and I’m totally okay with that. I’m not looking for a quick fix; I’m looking to build a life I love.
This past week, it was brought to my attention that I would’ve been graduating right about now if I hadn’t dropped out of college. That definitely has caused me some anxiety. Did I make the right decision? Would I actually have been happy as a teacher?
When I’m thinking rationally, I remember why I made the choice I did, but gosh. Insecurity sure hits you where it hurts.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want for my future, and I have such a hard time with that because I’m just trying to see past today. Ironically, my blog’s name has fit my life so perfectly in this season – as I am truly surviving on His mercies morning by morning.
I really challenged myself with starting this whole thing, and I’m not mad that I did. It’s good for me – terrifying though it may be.
Authenticity is deeply important to me – in every area of my life – and in light of that, I really want to put thought and effort into what I choose to share. So I will be taking next week off from posting (partially because I want my next steps to be intentional, and partially because I’ll be without internet connection:)
We only get one go ’round on this earth, and I truly want to make mine count – not only for myself but ultimately, for the Kingdom.
Thank you so much for all those who follow along. I truly appreciate you. I quite honestly cry a little at every like, share, and comment. Maybe it’s silly, but I am ridiculously grateful.
See you in two weeks, folks!